Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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