Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
