I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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