Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I did not marry a roomba.
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