So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
