It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
