I think I died a long time ago.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
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