dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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