Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
