Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
