My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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