Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
