sarcasm needs its own font
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
