Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
