I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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