Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
