It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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