I think i peed on brittanys purse
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
