life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
