Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
