so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
