I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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