My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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