she told me i tasted like america
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
