every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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