Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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