we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
