If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
wanna go halves on a baby?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
