Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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