so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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