i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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