there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
