don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize