Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm jealous of your bromance
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
