He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
