Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
