If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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