your parents love me but you hate me
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize