Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
