At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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