Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
