I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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