I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
