Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
All the doctor said was why
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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