My nipple is on Facebook.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
