Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize