I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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