Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
