Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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