woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
