I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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