Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
