I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Ambien. No doubt about it.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
