two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Randomize
