you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize