The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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