apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
