6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
