How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize