someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
